FIXEDEYES; John Clancy and Rachel Clancy » Testimonies

John’s Testimony

John — Fri, 24 Sep 2004 20:25:58 +0000

The story of how Jesus came into my life and showed Himself to me is a long story—29 years long actually. So, when it comes time to decide what to tell and what not to tell it gets really difficult. But I will give you a basic run down of my life and the ways that God has touched me.
I don’t remember the first time that I heard about God because I grew up in a home with two Christian parents who taught me the very important principles of a loving God who pardoned our sins through the blood of our savior Jesus Christ. This was something that I believed and accepted as true, and I trusted that one day I would go to heaven. However, I had no real concept of what that really meant besides the harp and wing bit that one usually gets somehow.
It’s hard to say what happened exactly, and why my parents’ relationship with the Lord started to experience problems, but it did. It could have been the immense pressures of a successful family business, or the excessive use of alcohol in our home, or marriage pressures; but whatever it was, Christ and God seemed to get placed on the back burner for a while. It was at this time that things started to get pretty bad between my parents and I’m sad to say it ended up in a really messy divorce. I was hurt in many ways by this event and in retrospect, I think that I definitely hardened my heart as a result. I wanted to protect myself from experiencing this kind of pain again. One method of protection that distanced me from others in my life was recreational drug use.
At the age of 13 I smoked my first joint. Soon my friends and I became the kids with the connections. I could buy some pot and sell half to get all my money back. This worked well and got me started in the world of drugs. Selling drugs was something that I was good at because most people seemed to trust me and I was a very social kid, so all throughout my teen years I dealt drugs. Graduation day came, and I left my mother’s house and moved to a small town in Southern NY state where I got myself into dealing cocaine.
Those days were filled with paranoia of getting robbed or busted. Eventually, my own life and the lives of my friends around me had deteriorated to the point that it was clear that I needed to get out of that lifestyle. I knew that it was going to take a major outside force to help me change my life so I joined the Navy. I don’t know why I never thought about getting serious about my relationship with God as an answer, but I didn’t. The whole time I dealt drugs, I still considered myself a Christian but I just figured, “God wants us to have a good time… He doesn’t really care if I deal pot and stuff! I don’t rip people off, and I’m non-violent and everything. Plus, all my sins are paid for so I’ll see ya in heaven!”
However, this mentality actually kept me away from God. All throughout my 4 year career in the Navy, I sought to “have a good time” by drinking and partying. I would spend my weekends in Vancouver, B.C. getting wasted and dancing at raves and underground parties. And it was there that I really started to get heavy into drugs and drug dealing. My connections grew more and more solid and I could barely wait until I would finish my time in the Navy so that I could devote all of my efforts to dealing drugs.
But dealing drugs was not something that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. On one side, I loved the excitement of the lifestyle, but, on the other, I didn’t like dealing with all of the shady characters that would rob you in a second. There was always a constant fear of either getting robbed or busted so the goal was to get a million bucks or so together in an off shore account somewhere and move to Mexico. And, when I finished my time in the Navy, it seemed that with the people that I knew, it wouldn’t be long.
The problem with this plan was that I didn’t really know the people that I was working with as well as I thought I did! It seemed that the higher I got in the drug circles, the weirder things were. I had times where people were able to read my mind and know things about me that no one else should know. It began to become more and more evident that these people belonged to some sort of organization that had a lot of power. I was never too sure who was definitely involved, but this organization was letting me know that they existed and all I knew is that I wanted in.
Over a period of three months, this group was initiating me into their circle but I was not at all prepared for the final rite of passage into their numbers. It came in a small house on a mountain in Washington State. Four of my friends (who I had no idea were even involved in this group) ended up in a room with me. They began chanting and saying weird things that clued me into the reality that they were a part of this group the whole time. I was then very excited because, I figured that if they were now revealing to me that they were so involved, now would be the time of my “illumination”.
To try and explain what happened that night in detail might only leave one feeling more confused unless they had a great deal of background information. So I will just say that at the end of that evening, I knew for certain that there was indeed a devil, and that he had followers. This was not just something that I came to intellectually believe in though. It was much more of the real thing. And, not only did I know that there was a devil, I also knew that I had been working “on his side” and chasing him around. That night I refused him and as a result, I was scared to death. Or, maybe to say “scared of death” would be more correct.
But, when I realized that the devil was real, I also simultaneously knew that God was real and that Jesus was His Son. So I told the devil that I would rather die than to renounce Jesus. At this point, all I could do was cry out to Jesus for help. I knew that the devil wielded much power on the earth and that I was no longer on his side; therefore, I needed the protection of the only one I knew who was more powerful than him. The Creator Himself!
Instantly, I perceived that God would be with me. However, I needed to know what to do. So I prayed. And boy, did I really pray in those first few weeks. I found myself crying out to God for safety and protection. I knew that I had been deceived thoroughly and that I would need to be “re-educated” with the truth. I started reading the Bible right away. I also wanted to go to a church, so I grabbed a phone book and flipped to the “c” section of the yellow pages. Most of the church ads were a little tacky, but I prayed and picked one and called. No one was there, so I called another. Same thing. I was so afraid that maybe the pastors were not really lovers of God that I didn’t tell anyone my story and decided that I would go to multiple churches every week and back what one man would say off of what the other would say. So, for about the first year, I attended 4 different church services as well as 1 or 2 home groups a week, as well as a college fellowship meeting. On top of that I was reading my Bible and listening to the Calvary Satellite Network for hours a week. God had put an immense hunger in my heart for the truth and He revealed so much to me.
He was constantly speaking to me and brought about great healing in my life during that year. One of the more important principles that He shared in my life was that I could resist the devil and submit to God in order for the devil to flee. This principle was a key to freedom from my own sins. I realized that when I sinned, it gave the devil more power in my life to tempt me the next time and this was called a “foothold”. And when I kept on sinning in an area, the foothold would become a “stronghold”. Well, the Lord poured out His grace and pulled down these footholds and strongholds as only He can, and I started to really experience freedom.
I started to actually experience “meeting” God, and there is really no suitable metaphor to describe it. I can try to describe it as if I was an orphan whose father had come and found him. The father spent countless fortunes to find me and then completely dismissed my unacceptable lifestyle in order to take me into his home. Only this father was perfect and beautiful and His love was comforting and assuring. He was more than able to keep me in His arms because He is and always will be all-powerful!
I have since, been in a pursuit to get to know Him more and more and to know all about Him. I have studied with Youth With a Mission in Ukraine as well as at Bethany College of Missions and under many men of God at a number of different churches. I have learned something from all of them and God is continually astounding me with His mercy and grace everywhere that I go. Most recently I have served with my wife, Rachel, in a ministry known as Prodigal Project and I had the opportunity to minister to the same kind of people that I used to hang out with. Perhaps in the future, I will have the chance to minister to them more, but, for now, I want to finish out the program at Bethany College of Missions in Bloomington. We will be going back there in May.
Feel free to email with any comments or questions

Adam’s Testimony

John — Wed, 08 Sep 2004 03:27:07 +0000

I was born in 1973 to a sixteen year old mother and an eighteen year old father. When I was four years old they were divorced. At age five I began to have homosexual thoughts and felt great shame and fear. I went to church on and off throughout my childhood and believed in God from a young age. But because of my homosexual feelings I was both angry and ashamed when coming to God. My mother remarried when I was nine, and by this time I had a distrust toward men. At age thirteen the pressures of dysfunctional family life and pains in my childhood led me to a life of drug addiction. At age sixteen I moved to Kansas City, Missouri, to live with my aunt who is a born again believer. During my stay there I received the Lord as my personal savior. But soon after, my birth father in LA was willing to take me in.
Though my experience in Kansas City was significant to initiate my relationship with God, I was not there long enough to get discipled in the Word. I had never confessed my homosexual desires and at age seventeen I began experimenting. I got into the modeling industry in LA for a season where the glamour of the world and the lust of the flesh took over. By eighteen I had a boyfriend, I was back on drugs and on my way to San Francisco.
In San Francisco I got very involved in the underground club scene and drug dealing. I would pray on occasion when things would get scary, and I began to see more clearly. God started to reveal His will for me as well as the reality of the evil one. At twenty, I had broken up with my boyfriend, but was still a heavy drug user. Through times of prayer the fear of the Lord would come upon me and I knew I needed a drug treatment program. I was living and working with some of the biggest drug dealers in San Francisco, including mafia, and even some that were involved in witchcraft at a high level. At the end of my drug run, I was promoting a party called “Filth”, in a venue called “The Pit”, downtown. On night while at the Pit, I made up my mind that I was finished living this destructive lifestyle. One of my so-called friends urged me to go out once more, so I went with him to a party. I began noticing my surroundings with hyper-clarity and everything was becoming more and more evil. People were mocking me, acting suspicious, and giving me dirty looks. At approximately 6:30 a.m. on the fifth of May 1994 during this same party run, I left the first party to go to my favorite club. It was a venue called the “End Up”; it opened 6:00 a.m. every Sunday, and everyone called it ‘church’. On arrival my favorite song was playing and I began to hear the lyrics in a new light—the song sounded very condemning. At that moment a man who was involved with running some of the first gay clubs in San Francisco started accusing me of being the devil. Everyone present on the dance floor began laughing at me and mocking me. Then one of the drug dealers who claimed to be a sorceress asked me to leave with her. I thought she would help me.
She took me in her car to a dead end alley in San Francisco. On arrival, an ambulance and police car showed up with sirens blaring. At this point, I was in terror thinking I was going to hell in the cruelest way. The policeman bound me and threw me in the back of the ambulance. While I was lying there, the sorceress began telling me why I was condemned, reminding me of what I had done; all the while the police and ambulance crew were working with her. To say that I felt utterly lost and hopeless at this point is putting it lightly, but there are no words to describe the disgrace and terror of being hell-bound. I thought, “I may as well pray.” After all, it couldn’t hurt. So I repented, and asked the Lord if he would ever leave me or forsake me. Just then, I was flooded with peace and direction from the Spirit. He prompted me to pray silently and to bless those who cursed me, so I complied. More peace flooded me and the Lord told me that if I held my peace and let him fight my battle, I would be victorious. The sorceress then tried to get me to bow to her, declaring herself to be my goddess. I silently prayed that, “I would rather be floating in the San Francisco Bay than be bowing to this woman”. She became irate and said that I would never change and that I would be destroyed. The ambulance then took me to San Francisco General Hospital where they checked me into the 51/50 section, or the ‘psyche ward’. As they were wheeling me on a stretcher into a separate room, I passed a naked, deformed, and demonized man. He was using profanity and threatening to kill me. I began to pray silently, entreating the Lord to save me. Just then this man started screaming, “Nurse! Nurse! Shut him up! Shut him up!” Then I knew that the Lord had delivered me, and I told the nurse I was ready to leave. After my release I thanked God and asked him to lead me. He eventually led me to Victory Outreach in Salinas, California, where I got discipled in the Word, prayer, and practical evangelistic ministry. I have been praising the Lord ever since.

Those who have been forgiven much will love much.

Rachel’s Testimony

Rachel — Fri, 03 Sep 2004 23:31:10 +0000

I have been greatly blessed by being raised in a home with a family that are lovers of God and follow the way of Jesus Christ. I can now look back and see how blessed I was to have parents who were committed to sharing that truth with me. I gave my life to Christ at an early age and have been continually growing in the knowledge of who He is ever since. There have been times when I’ve wondered if I am growing at all, times when I feel that I’ve come to a place of stagnancy. But through it all I have discovered that there is one thing for certain–God is faithful to me even when I prove over and over again my lack of consistency and my failures. Sometimes I find it hard to accept His grace. I find myself trying hard to do things right… to earn His favour. But time after time I find myself in a place of brokenness, ensnared by my own sins and having to once again choose to accept that Christ paid the price for my freedom and that it is by God’s grace alone that I can walk in that freedom. May I never cease to marvel at His mercy!

My family and I have been involved in ministry for most of my life. For my first fourteen years my parents were involved in church life and pastoring in B.C., Canada. Then in 1997 they moved down to Mexico along with my sister, brother, and I to become involved in serving the Mexican people. Four years later I moved to Minneapolis, MN to go to a missions college–Bethany College of Missions, where I later met my husband, John. During my four years there I was able to spend time serving in other countries and getting exposed to different cultures. I spent three weeks in France with a group of young people where we were able to serve in practical ways, as well as perform in a cultural art festival. Then I spent nine months with a college friend in Italy, where we taught English, developed friendships, and learned about the Italian culture. I believe that these were priceless experiences to prepare me for the calling God has placed on my life. A month after my graduation from college found John and I in San Francisco, serving in the ministry of Prodigal Project. This experience was as cross-cultural for me as the time I spent in France and Italy. I had never had any exposure to the hippie sub-culture or the travelling lifestyle before and experienced many challenges. I found myself constantly falling back on God’s grace for the strength to be stretched… and to be taken out of the box of my own comfort zone. I find that every place this winding path of my life takes me, it is impossible to place one foot in front of the other if I am not in a place of faith and trusting. I fail, yes, but the One who is greater than I is bigger than all my failings.

Sherita

John — Mon, 16 Aug 2004 19:36:32 +0000

It was June 2002, myself and three female friends decided to go on a mission’s trip across the United States. We packed our bags and headed west on I-40. I had no idea the adventure that lay ahead of me…

I knew that God wanted to show me something. He wanted to take me to a place where my heart would come alive. San Francisco was that place, Prodigal Project was the vehicle. I ended up at prodigal after a brief connection with someone in San Francisco.

After a roller coaster week during my second visit to San Francisco in February 2004, a friend took me to a bible study at a house located on Haight St. The minute I walked through the door I felt like I was in a familiar place. Seconds later, I found myself embraced by the presence of God. It was everything I desired. The people group was diverse. There were all sorts of nations represented in the room. People were banging passionately on hand drums and singing praises to God. I felt like I was in a dream. This was my heart.

After my visit to SF and then to Prodigal Project I knew I had to go back. There was something about the fellowship God led me to. I knew it was the next place for my own personal spiritual growth. In December of 2003, after 5 years of serving in the field of social work, I quit my career job and bought a ticket to SF. This was the first time I’ve ever stepped out in faith like this. With no job and only a little bit of money I was on my way back to the place my heart felt alive.

I knew very little about the Prodigal Project. I knew that I felt comfortable around the crew. I knew that they had a heart for the lost. It was all I needed to know to make my decision about where I wanted to be. Once again, I had no idea of the adventure that lay ahead.

Crash courses in hippie culture and philosophy often took me for spin. I learned quickly that I was not a hippie. The culture was a lot more intense then I first assumed. My first introduction: a rainbow gathering! For one week and half I camped in the middle of the Shasta mountains observing a people group living counter to the American culture. I was in awe of the ability of a people group determined to get back to the basics of living. Respect, simplicity, and creativity ran ramped in this place. I saw African dancing, free style philosophy, and worship circles all in the same location. I saw people feeding one another and exchanging deep thoughts. It was one of the most intense experiences I’ve ever had. It changed my way of thinking.

After the rainbow, we camped near a beautiful river. I felt inside the desire to jump in a swim. I wanted to forget about all of the reasons I should not. I wanted to forget and so I did. I let go of all of my reservations and gave into the freedom God was offering me at the moment. I dove into the clear blue water, screaming and laughing all the way. That day I became the person I always dreamed of being. Free.

God has used the prodigal project as an instrument to show me how to live. He’s trained me in my gifts and surgically removed my dependency on “Babylon.” I have God to thank for this experience. I have Prodigal to thank for being the vehicle

Marcus Hall

John — Sun, 01 Aug 2004 22:11:26 +0000

Marcus is on the right

I think that my story is much like the prodigal son’s story because I grew up in a Christian home very much like the typical "Sunday thing". The preacher blabs at you once a week but there didn’t seem to be any Spirit there. I liked Jesus from what I knew about Him, but I didn’t actually know Him, or even know if I could know Him personally, or not.
The religion that I learned as a child was not fulfilling my Spiritual needs and so I started looking elsewhere. It was in college (Georgetown University, Washington, D.C.) that I really started exploring different religions and philosophies. I took different classes on Buddhism and Islam. I really took to Buddhism and found that it made a lot of sense to me because it gave you a plan for how to make yourself better. I didn’t really care about becoming the wealthiest or the most ‘successful’. Instead, I wanted to be spiritually wealthy and to be the best person that I could be. Buddhism seemed to go beyond words, whereas Christianity always seemed to be merely people preaching at me. With Buddhism, I learned more to listen to the ‘vibrations’ that one would give off rather than the words that would come out of their mouth. It made me feel that there was so much more than the every day things of life. There was a ‘higher consciousness’ a ‘higher reality’ that we can tap into.
One conclusion that I came to as a result of my studies was that there was truth in everything that I was studying and that if I pulled the kernel of truth out of each of philosophy or idea then, I could create my own spiritual map. This map would be my own personal guide to enlightenment.
In my personal quest for enlightenment I was drawing from sources such as: Buddha, Native American Shamans, Jesus, Muhammad, Plato, Carlos Castaneda, Alan Watts, the Tao Te Ching, and other sources. So through meditation, mixed with various drugs, I started distancing myself from a material society in order to overcome the suffering that is caused by being enslaved by passions and desires.
I sort of began to feel as though everyone else was, in a sense… sleepwalking through life, and I was awakening to reality. That reality being that we are Spiritual light beings, and are one with creation. Since, I was the only one who was awake, I felt sort of like Jesus, and that I was going to have to bring this revelation into the world. And when I would take drugs it was for me, like a sneak preview of the enlightened state that I would reach some day. This began the quest to become the perfect person. Sinless.
This quest was bound to lead to disappointment though. The reason being that no-one can obtain a sinless or perfect state before God. And so, what I was really doing was feeding my pride and ego and trying to… I guess become more than human. So, when I did fall short of perfection, I blamed myself. This failure was completely devastating! It felt like if I wasn’t perfect, then I didn’t deserve to be alive, like I was the devil. The thought that I was the devil had me bound for seven years.

What I mean was that my belief system, coupled with my drug use had given rise to grand delusions whereby I was either the devil incarnate or the second coming, dependent on whether I was on a high or low. Most of the time during those seven years I was convinced I was the devil and the evils of the world were on my shoulders. This delusion was so real and certain to me that I felt the only solution, the only hope for the world was for me to kill myself.
This constantly dominated my thoughts and actions. I repeatedly made attempts at my life ranging from ingesting poison to diving out a second story window, and trying to hang myself. I was so full of self-hatred, fear for the future, and guilt, that even though I knew of God’s mercy, I felt it no longer applied to me. The only way to redeem myself was to take a monumental leap of faith like holding my breath until I died or not moving until God moved through me.
So I had lost my mind, all concept of reality and was in and out of mental hospitals for about half of those seven years. My behavior was completely unpredictable and dangerous, and there were extreme measures taken to ensure my safety. I was shackled to a bed, injected with medication, given shock treatment, and made to wear a helmet to prevent me from running headfirst into walls. I was admitted to over ten different hospitals and residential treatment centers, went through doctor after doctor and given just about every medication in the book. None of these could take away my suicidal ideations or my grandiose delusions. I thought I knew God’s plan for certain, and no one could convince me otherwise. I was beyond help and so I blocked all efforts to do so. Therein lied my biggest folly: to rest on my own understanding and conviction.
It was only when I began to give God what is His- all knowledge and power- and to give myself what is mine- humility and servitude to Him- that I could shed these delusions and the demons that had complete dominion over me. Somehow I began to believe that I could be helped and I started to reach out for it, to talk to others, to open my eyes and ears, and believe in hope. Only through the grace of God did I begin to shed the layers of self-deception and demonic possession that controlled me so strongly during my "illness".
After I was emancipated from my last hospital and living a "normal" life, I was still holding on to delusions, if only in the recesses of my subconscious. I still believed in the value of my multiple-religion philosophy and marijuana and hallucinogens in discovering my true self. When high, my grandiose delusions returned and I became a slave to the pot, doing whatever it commanded of me in order to sustain my high. So I was still letting my ship sail wherever the prevailing winds blew me. I had to find a worthy skipper fast, or my tiny ship would be lost. That skipper was Jesus.
I found the captain of my ship out in the woods, of all places… at the Rainbow Gathering. I was attached to a girl, to marijuana, and to my own "visions" of the future. I was on a roller coaster, seeking highs but also getting a lot of lows. When the girl I was attached to could not commit herself to me, I was heartbroken and decided I could no longer stay with her or the Rainbow gathering. I caught a ride into the nearest town with another guy and we tried to hitchhike back to San Jose. After a few hours of hitching in the hot sun with no results, he turned to me and said, "I’m going back to the gathering. That’s where I belong. And you should come with me." Reluctantly, I agreed, and we started making our way back. On our way he told me I should go to the Bread of Life kitchen (a Christian camp) when I got back and tell them that I needed healing. "They’ll take care of you," he told me. Although I wasn’t convinced at the time, I somehow ended up at the Bread of Life, asking for healing. And that is exactly what I got, and so much more.
The people at the kitchen welcomed me so warmly, and after being fed and telling my story to a sympathetic listener who hugged me, something told me that this was where I belonged. All of my other philosophies were provocative and mysterious but they were causing me to suffer. It was only in coming back home to my father that I found the cure for all of my ills.
I was really suffering one morning. I just felt really afflicted in my soul, and I knew that God was the only one that could heal me. So, I just looked up to heaven and prayed, "Lord, I’m so tired of suffering and trying to go my own way. So tired of trying to fix it by my own understanding. I’m just giving it all to you, knowing that you are the only one that can really heal me."
At that time I felt a wide range of emotions: everything from sorrow and gratitude. The Sorrow was for the ways I misled myself and all the ways that I hurt my Father by rejecting Him. The tears streamed down my face and as I was weeping, all of the pain melted away. This really opened up the floodgates for the Joy of the Lord to come in. I started dancing, worshiping and praising and it just felt so good, so right.
Over the next few days, there was so much worship and prayer. Chuck and some of the other people at the Bread of life Kitchen were spending a lot of time with me. It was like prayer, communion and fellowship all in one. I felt the power of prayer and of the Holy Spirit. I experienced the fact that when people gather together in the name of the Lord Jesus, the Spirit greets us with abundance.
I realized God loves to be praised and He is ready to fulfill our every need once we just reach up to Him with all of our heart. He’s there waiting for us but, He’s not going to force us to love Him, it’s a choice we have to make.
After that revelation, it was like I was coming back to the father. This was what I had been searching for my whole life, but looking in the wrong places. After that, the Spirit came pouring in. Even walking around the different paths through the woods seemed to look different. Even the air seemed so beautiful and I knew that it was all a gift.
I realized that what He gives is far better than drugs and sex, or whatever. And that’s what I want to share with people when I see them stumbling around in the darkness like I was. All they have to do is surrender to Jesus and they’ll get more than they could ever imagine ya know?
As a new-born baby into Christianity, I’m seeking to know my Father better and His will for me.
I believe that it might be His plan for me to go to ‘the land’ (Prodigal Project’s Discipleship house) and immerse myself in His Word and, His love. I will be heading there tomorrow to check it out.