These days…

Nine-thirty at night rolls around. The house is finally clean and tidy almost to my satisfaction and I’m exhausted, but still pretty pleased about the state of the half dozen rooms I have to keep clean. Then the thought shouts out in my head “You’re just going to have to do it all over again tomorrow!– or at least within a week.” Uuggh. It doesn’t feel so good being in the tidiness any more. After all, tomorrow Aria will drag out all her books again, take all the things she can reach out of the bathroom to strew across the living room floor, the bed will need making, breakfast/lunch/dinner prepared and cleaned up after, along with one of the weekly chores that are sprinkled through my days. The laundry will need folding, and then washed and folded some more. And to top it off, I need to start thinking about packing as we’re moving house in three weeks. Like I said, uuggh.

This line of thinking doesn’t get me anywhere except into a place of rather hopeless despair. All the things that are laying heavy on my heart or mind come bobbing up to the surface:
My hair is falling out; yes, it’s a normal horrible post-pregnancy phenomenon that will eventually right itself, but it doesn’t help how I feel about myself right now.
A dear friend of mine is in a place of deep loss and struggle with that which is most precious–her babies’ lives. I’m not there with her though. She’s thousands of miles away. Yes, I pray daily, but I want to embrace her tangibly.
I’m moving again. Yes, it’s only a few blocks down the road, but it’s still an upheaval.
I’m way too busy and just want some time to myself. Yes, I have it now (both babes are napping), but I’ll never get done all the things I need to in this hour or two.
On goes the lament. Instead of focusing on the “yeses”, my eyes fall to the “buts”.

Sometimes, many times, I just need to stop and look for the beauty, the joys. They can be so easy to overlook in the midst of so many pressures and concerns. What are these things?:
John is now working in the Paisley letting office. This means that he leaves home later and comes back earlier. He can walk to his job and save himself the £4 that it costs to take the train to Glasgow and back each day.
We ARE moving house. Though this brings some work and stress, I’m excited. The “new” flat that we’ll be renting is a good price, closer to church, town, the breastfeeding group, and John’s job, and still quite near the toddlers’ group, clinic, and park. It is on the ground flood (1st to Americans) and has a bit of grass and a clothesline in the back. The kitchen is small, but the lovely large bedrooms and living area with high ceilings and tall windows help to recompense for that.
Aria is eating well. This is such a HUGE blessing as ever since we’ve returned from India, eating has been a bit of a struggle. She is now eating what we eat for dinner, including a bit of meat and vegetables. She loves fruit and berries. She happily eats both brown rice and wholewheat bread, even the crusts now! All this has taken such a load off my shoulders.
Kiera is a good baby and usually sleeps through the night. Her smiles and giggles are like a balm to the heart and she and Aria have some good laughs together—literally!
Though my friend is going through a time of loss, I KNOW she still has hope. God is surrounding her and we are believing for life for the babies that haven’t gone to be with Him.

I really have SO much to rejoice in and in those places that are hard in my life right now, God brings me the strength and grace I need. If I do occasionally have a breakdown, He doesn’t put me down because of it, but just welcomes me into His strength. I’m happy to be His.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 20th, 2007 at 6:37 am and is filed under Rachel's Musings, Reflections & Musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.