Marcus Hall
by:John
Marcus is on the right
I think that my story is much like the prodigal son’s story because I grew up in a Christian home very much like the typical "Sunday thing". The preacher blabs at you once a week but there didn’t seem to be any Spirit there. I liked Jesus from what I knew about Him, but I didn’t actually know Him, or even know if I could know Him personally, or not.
The religion that I learned as a child was not fulfilling my Spiritual needs and so I started looking elsewhere. It was in college (Georgetown University, Washington, D.C.) that I really started exploring different religions and philosophies. I took different classes on Buddhism and Islam. I really took to Buddhism and found that it made a lot of sense to me because it gave you a plan for how to make yourself better. I didn’t really care about becoming the wealthiest or the most ’successful’. Instead, I wanted to be spiritually wealthy and to be the best person that I could be. Buddhism seemed to go beyond words, whereas Christianity always seemed to be merely people preaching at me. With Buddhism, I learned more to listen to the ‘vibrations’ that one would give off rather than the words that would come out of their mouth. It made me feel that there was so much more than the every day things of life. There was a ‘higher consciousness’ a ‘higher reality’ that we can tap into.
One conclusion that I came to as a result of my studies was that there was truth in everything that I was studying and that if I pulled the kernel of truth out of each of philosophy or idea then, I could create my own spiritual map. This map would be my own personal guide to enlightenment.
In my personal quest for enlightenment I was drawing from sources such as: Buddha, Native American Shamans, Jesus, Muhammad, Plato, Carlos Castaneda, Alan Watts, the Tao Te Ching, and other sources. So through meditation, mixed with various drugs, I started distancing myself from a material society in order to overcome the suffering that is caused by being enslaved by passions and desires.
I sort of began to feel as though everyone else was, in a sense… sleepwalking through life, and I was awakening to reality. That reality being that we are Spiritual light beings, and are one with creation. Since, I was the only one who was awake, I felt sort of like Jesus, and that I was going to have to bring this revelation into the world. And when I would take drugs it was for me, like a sneak preview of the enlightened state that I would reach some day. This began the quest to become the perfect person. Sinless.
This quest was bound to lead to disappointment though. The reason being that no-one can obtain a sinless or perfect state before God. And so, what I was really doing was feeding my pride and ego and trying to… I guess become more than human. So, when I did fall short of perfection, I blamed myself. This failure was completely devastating! It felt like if I wasn’t perfect, then I didn’t deserve to be alive, like I was the devil. The thought that I was the devil had me bound for seven years.
What I mean was that my belief system, coupled with my drug use had given rise to grand delusions whereby I was either the devil incarnate or the second coming, dependent on whether I was on a high or low. Most of the time during those seven years I was convinced I was the devil and the evils of the world were on my shoulders. This delusion was so real and certain to me that I felt the only solution, the only hope for the world was for me to kill myself.
This constantly dominated my thoughts and actions. I repeatedly made attempts at my life ranging from ingesting poison to diving out a second story window, and trying to hang myself. I was so full of self-hatred, fear for the future, and guilt, that even though I knew of God’s mercy, I felt it no longer applied to me. The only way to redeem myself was to take a monumental leap of faith like holding my breath until I died or not moving until God moved through me.
So I had lost my mind, all concept of reality and was in and out of mental hospitals for about half of those seven years. My behavior was completely unpredictable and dangerous, and there were extreme measures taken to ensure my safety. I was shackled to a bed, injected with medication, given shock treatment, and made to wear a helmet to prevent me from running headfirst into walls. I was admitted to over ten different hospitals and residential treatment centers, went through doctor after doctor and given just about every medication in the book. None of these could take away my suicidal ideations or my grandiose delusions. I thought I knew God’s plan for certain, and no one could convince me otherwise. I was beyond help and so I blocked all efforts to do so. Therein lied my biggest folly: to rest on my own understanding and conviction.
It was only when I began to give God what is His- all knowledge and power- and to give myself what is mine- humility and servitude to Him- that I could shed these delusions and the demons that had complete dominion over me. Somehow I began to believe that I could be helped and I started to reach out for it, to talk to others, to open my eyes and ears, and believe in hope. Only through the grace of God did I begin to shed the layers of self-deception and demonic possession that controlled me so strongly during my "illness".
After I was emancipated from my last hospital and living a "normal" life, I was still holding on to delusions, if only in the recesses of my subconscious. I still believed in the value of my multiple-religion philosophy and marijuana and hallucinogens in discovering my true self. When high, my grandiose delusions returned and I became a slave to the pot, doing whatever it commanded of me in order to sustain my high. So I was still letting my ship sail wherever the prevailing winds blew me. I had to find a worthy skipper fast, or my tiny ship would be lost. That skipper was Jesus.
I found the captain of my ship out in the woods, of all places… at the Rainbow Gathering. I was attached to a girl, to marijuana, and to my own "visions" of the future. I was on a roller coaster, seeking highs but also getting a lot of lows. When the girl I was attached to could not commit herself to me, I was heartbroken and decided I could no longer stay with her or the Rainbow gathering. I caught a ride into the nearest town with another guy and we tried to hitchhike back to San Jose. After a few hours of hitching in the hot sun with no results, he turned to me and said, "I’m going back to the gathering. That’s where I belong. And you should come with me." Reluctantly, I agreed, and we started making our way back. On our way he told me I should go to the Bread of Life kitchen (a Christian camp) when I got back and tell them that I needed healing. "They’ll take care of you," he told me. Although I wasn’t convinced at the time, I somehow ended up at the Bread of Life, asking for healing. And that is exactly what I got, and so much more.
The people at the kitchen welcomed me so warmly, and after being fed and telling my story to a sympathetic listener who hugged me, something told me that this was where I belonged. All of my other philosophies were provocative and mysterious but they were causing me to suffer. It was only in coming back home to my father that I found the cure for all of my ills.
I was really suffering one morning. I just felt really afflicted in my soul, and I knew that God was the only one that could heal me. So, I just looked up to heaven and prayed, "Lord, I’m so tired of suffering and trying to go my own way. So tired of trying to fix it by my own understanding. I’m just giving it all to you, knowing that you are the only one that can really heal me."
At that time I felt a wide range of emotions: everything from sorrow and gratitude. The Sorrow was for the ways I misled myself and all the ways that I hurt my Father by rejecting Him. The tears streamed down my face and as I was weeping, all of the pain melted away. This really opened up the floodgates for the Joy of the Lord to come in. I started dancing, worshiping and praising and it just felt so good, so right.
Over the next few days, there was so much worship and prayer. Chuck and some of the other people at the Bread of life Kitchen were spending a lot of time with me. It was like prayer, communion and fellowship all in one. I felt the power of prayer and of the Holy Spirit. I experienced the fact that when people gather together in the name of the Lord Jesus, the Spirit greets us with abundance.
I realized God loves to be praised and He is ready to fulfill our every need once we just reach up to Him with all of our heart. He’s there waiting for us but, He’s not going to force us to love Him, it’s a choice we have to make.
After that revelation, it was like I was coming back to the father. This was what I had been searching for my whole life, but looking in the wrong places. After that, the Spirit came pouring in. Even walking around the different paths through the woods seemed to look different. Even the air seemed so beautiful and I knew that it was all a gift.
I realized that what He gives is far better than drugs and sex, or whatever. And that’s what I want to share with people when I see them stumbling around in the darkness like I was. All they have to do is surrender to Jesus and they’ll get more than they could ever imagine ya know?
As a new-born baby into Christianity, I’m seeking to know my Father better and His will for me.
I believe that it might be His plan for me to go to ‘the land’ (Prodigal Project’s Discipleship house) and immerse myself in His Word and, His love. I will be heading there tomorrow to check it out.